This will probably be one of the most difficult posts I ever make to this blog. Darnell and I are generally pretty private, I suppose. We are truly each other's best friends and so most of the time we don't really need to tell other people what is going on with us. We have told some people about what I am going to write about, mostly when we needed prayer or comforting or if we felt like our story could help someone else. I guess now, I am inviting the entire world into some of our deepest emotions.
If you had asked me just over a year ago if I wanted more kids, you would have (and, in many cases did) get an answer something like, "No. I am not saying that years down the road I won't change my mind, but right now, no." At the time, that was completely true. After Dani was born, I felt like our family was completed. I never again had that 'need' or desire to have more children.
One year ago exactly, we found out that we would be getting one final surprise from good ole Italia. We were pregnant! Now, I won't call this an "accident," but we certainly were not trying to get pregnant. But after those two pink lines showed up, there was no turning back. What was going to be, was going to be and we accepted that. It didn't take long for the "we can do this" changed into "we want to do this" and "we are excited to do this." So a few days later, off we flew to the United States preparing for some major changes in our life.
I had a miscarriage before Dani and so we were careful about not telling people. There's few things worse in this world that being so excited about being pregnant that you tell the whole world and then have to spend the next several months telling everyone again that you lost the baby. It's not something I would wish on my worst enemy.
We got to Colorado and told very few of Darnell's family members. After a few days there, Dani and I loaded up and went to Alabama for a week to see my family. The day after we got there, my parents wanted to take Dani to the local park to see the ducks so off we went: Dani, mom, dad, my sister, and me. We started walking around the lake and I got a stabbing pain in my left side. The pain intensified and I had to lay down on the side of the road -- I thought I was going to either vomit or pass out. I wasn't sure what was going on, but have heard about scar tissue stretching and causing people a great deal of pain. I had a c-section with Dani and so I was trying to rationalize it and tell myself that was probably all that it was. About an hour later, the pain subsided and so I carried on.
The next morning, I woke up and just felt uneasy about everything and still had some mild pain on my left side. At that point, I decided that I should probably go to the ER. I was figuring if nothing else, I would be given a peace of mind about the entire situation.
I'll spare you the gory details of the ER visit and just sum it up with me being told that I was having a miscarriage. I needed to go back to the ER in a couple of days to have repeat blood work done to make sure there was no further treatment required. A couple days later, I went back in and they said that my hormone levels were back up and everything was looking good, and that I was still pregnant.
Whew! What a relief! So the next day, Dani and I boarded a plane and headed back to Colorado. It was still 3 weeks until we were leaving to go to Alaska, but we were going to wait until we got there to be seen again. After I got back to Colorado, I continued to have some minor symptoms that were concerning, so I jumped through hoops with our insurance provider and was able to get approval to be seen in Colorado.
The doctor there got us in really quickly. We went in to see her on a Monday morning, she ordered more blood work and scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. We went back for the ultrasound appointment and were "cautiously optimistic" about the entire situation.
The tech began doing the ultrasound and they had a big screen tv in front of us for us to look at. We didn't have that kind of technology when we were pregnant with Dani in Italy :) so that was pretty cool. Well, if you have ever had an ultrasound, specifically one when you've been pregnant, then you know what to look for. There is always this large gray area with a black oval-ish area with a grey/white peanut shape and that is your baby.
The tech is going all around and at this point I was pretty certain that there was no baby...all I could see was a solid gray area. Then all of the sudden there it was! That black hole we had been looking for, it was right there on the screen! Filled with the peanut shape and all! Relief again! The tech zoomed in the picture and said {in a not so excited voice}, "Well, there is your baby. It has a heartbeat {we got to see it, but couldn't hear it} and it is growing on track, but I'm sorry to tell you that it's in your ovary."
My heart hit the floor! I KNEW what that meant, I didn't need anyone to tell me.
DEVASTATING!
We spoke with the doctor and, as I suspected, I was right. The only options we were given was to have the pregnancy terminated by way of surgery, or do nothing which would likely lead to my ovary or fallopian tube rupturing and me dying from the hemorrhage. But that wasn't all. If the baby was indeed in the my ovary, they were going to have to take the ovary and fallopian tube. If the baby ended up just being in the tube, they would leave the ovary and just take the tube. My surgery was scheduled for the next day, September 24, 2012. After the surgery we were informed that our baby had implanted in the tube, and that the tube was beginning to rupture.
Pregnancy loss is real issue; a serious issue. If you have never been through it, then I can't expect you to understand, but I will ask that you be sensitive to those that you know who have or are experiencing it. For many years, this has been a taboo subject. I don't know why. You can't imagine some of the insensitive things that people say to you. Sure, they don't realize they are being insensitive, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
For some, they don't view the "fetus" as a real baby and don't see what the "big deal is," "you can always try again," "at least you know you can get pregnant," and on and on the list goes.
That baby might not have been real to you, but for families who have been trying to conceive, it's as real as it gets. For those who weren't trying, it's much the same. For me, I wasn't trying, but I had accepted and loved the baby I was going to have. You might as well have a funeral, because to them it was the same as having a child that they held, hugged, kissed, and loved being taken away.
After 3 pregnancies, I never thought I would have problems conceiving. Sure, I didn't want more kids before we lost our last baby. But now I do. From the moment I found out I was expecting, I wanted another baby. Here we are, one year later, still nursing old wounds. And thus began our "adventure" of {loss and} infertility.
Welcome to OUR story. My hope in sharing this is that someone else will know they aren't alone! They aren't crazy because they can't stop crying over their loss. They aren't crazy because they get upset every time they see or hear of someone else getting pregnant. They aren't crazy because they want to delete everyone they know off Facebook so they don't have to see picture after picture of growing bellies and ultrasound photos. You aren't alone.
We also know that God has a plan....this was part of His plan. "Your God planned this? That's a cruel god!" It all goes back to what I was saying in a previous post: God never promised a perfect, sorrow free life. On the contrary, we were told that we would have struggles and this is just going to be one of mine.
What is the point? I may not know until I meet God face-to-face. Maybe it's to work through jealousy issues and be able to be happy in my own circumstances not BECAUSE of my circumstances. Maybe it was to open my eyes up to what God might want for me {more children} and no be so stubborn and set on what was convenient for me. Maybe it was so that I could tell someone else that I know Jesus still loves me even though He took my baby. Because that baby is better off up there with Jesus and Dani is better off having a mom here on Earth with her.
So we are still searching for answers; wondering what the rest of the plan is. Will we have another baby on our own? Are we supposed to adopt? Are we not meant to have more children? Prayerfully, we will get some answers to these questions soon.
In the meantime, we'll keep seeking His face and trying to use our story for good instead of wallowing in self-pity, depression, and defeat.
